“God, all of my questioning; all of my anger towards You; all of the pain; all of the humility; all of the brokenness and suffering; failures; thoughts of wanting to give up; all of the confusion; depression; oppression; torment; relentless, hopeless thoughts; self-pity; and shame…Why did You allow it? Why didn’t You do something about it? Why have you allowed me to feel and live so forsaken? How could You possibly use this? How can You help me? How can You heal me from the impact of all of the years spent living this way, Jesus?
Romans 8:28? What? Really? That’s it?
How?”
All I’ve ever heard Him say back to all those questions and awful decades is, “Trust Me.” And, I’ve found that when I think I’m done trusting Him, He asks me to trust Him more…And more…And more…And the trusting never ends.
…And then, a flicker of light appears. Then, more light. Then, He appears in the form of a trace of hope on the horizon. He comes walking across the angry seas of my life. I think, “Who is that?” “Is it real?” “Is that You, Jesus?”
And He says it’s okay for me to get out of my boat. My boat’s not much, but it’s familiar and it’s the only thing that’s kept me alive – so far. It’s the only life I’ve known.
He asks me to leave it to come to Him. I think, “Really? Can I trust Him? Can I trust anything any more? I don’t understand what it is, but something in me moves me to try. And when I try to walk on the waves, I begin to sink. He grabs me, helps me back in the boat, and calms the raging sea in me – for the moment.
He looks at me and says, “Where is your faith?” I tell Him my faith is gone. All of the years of my life have drained it out of my spirit.
His eyes seem to look through me in a way that makes me understand that He knows me better than I know myself, that He knows something I don’t know…
That’s when He tells me He is The Way, The Truth, and The Life. “What does that even mean?” His words seem to bounce off my numb, faithless heart.
He tells me He has the power – the real power of His words penetrate me in a way I’ve not known before – to make everything in my life not just okay, that His plan isn’t just to bring me back to “even. No, His plan is to pour into my life His Way, His Truth, His Life. He will do a work in my life powerful enough to drive out the twisting, shifting, unsettling, angry seas – the very tool He’s allowed in my life for His purposes. And then, He’ll use it all – every drop – not just for my good, but beyond that to help deliver others as well.
I just sit there looking back out over the sea of my life He’s just stilled, and think, “How could that ever be? And yet something in me, just for a split second, says, “Yes, with Me it is possible.” ” In fact, one day,” He tells me, “you’ll convince others they too can trust Me.”
When I look back at Him He’s no where in sight. Has He left me all alone? Is the little, momentary hope He’s shared with me all I’m left with? What was that He said, again? The Way, The Truth and what? With Him gone, will the raging seas return? Oh Jesus, please don’t leave. Please come back. Please stay with me.”
That’s when I notice something new about my old, familiar boat as I lean over the back of the boat staring hard with what’s left of my strength to find Him. The name of my boat has changed – Instantly. And, it hasn’t been merely painted over. No, it’s completely new, fresh, almost glowing paint.
And, the old name,”Forsaken,” has been replaced with “Romans 8:28.”
And now – suddenly – there’s the tiniest, new awareness of what I can only describe as “hope” in my heart. And, although I can’t see Him, I sense He’s still near…
…”Behold, I make all things new!”
God bless,
Mark
Note: While we may not agree with everything a particular church or Christian group teaches or believes, there are times when we can be blessed by something outside the realm of our current understanding of God.